there’s the self sabotage
the unknown language because it’s unspoken, the words intangible and hard to grasp, far away and hushed.
the not having a fucking clue what i need, or how.
knowing that i need guidance from my future self, my guiding goddess, she is my healer – my future self.. and yet, she is no where to be found. either she’s not listening, or i can’t hear her.. maybe she’s leaving me in this uncomfortable place to sit and feel it, hanging here – shedding skin, digging in, figuring my way through it. maybe she’s giving me the space to realize that i need to reach out – say it aloud – find the unwritten language and write it.
the feelings of inadequacy, loserdom, of being a disappointment, unreliable, inconsiderate, selfish. of being the kind of person that makes plans and cancels last minute – self sabotage. stopping myself from doing what i want, or what i know to be good for myself with excuses, with anxiety.
we will all survive this.
on the phone yesterday with a doula friend, who told me to call her and somehow, unspoken, cosmically felt perhaps – she knew.
and i cried, and she guided me through..
my feelings of *stuck* feel like they reside right in my throat, in the height of my chest. my throat chakra. unable to communicate my emotional needs or express myself fully.
it makes sense
because feeling like i don’t recognize myself, and this heavy fog make it nearly impossible to know what to speak, place word to how i feel.
the e-mail from a friend yesterday, who reminded me how to take care of myself.
funny that, mothering littles all day – knowing just how to take care of them.. needing to be reminded of the simple basics of self care. water, food, move, breathe.
i want – to speak and feel and think and be with more authenticity.
i want – to eat living food. it feels that all the food i am eating is stagnant, dead, nothingness. and i’m feeling that deep in my body. maybe if i eat more living food my body will feel more alive.
i am – taking supplements and noting down the ebb and flow.
i will – set aside money and time to leave the house and join a class to move my body gently. setting intentions and creating the space for self. healing. feeling. thinking or non thinking. being.
i will – be more honest with myself. without judging myself. without making excuses for myself. without apologizing.
i’m so very grateful to have beautiful people in my life that just get it. that don’t try to fix me – but simply love me. the ones that call me and tell me stories from when they were mothering young babies. the ones that call and tell me ancient mythological stories. the ones that write me and remind me of who i am, *seeing* me and giving me new perspective. the ones that send me money with instructions to buy supplements. the ones that hold me in their hearts and send me energy and love. the ones that have no judgement at all – that know that no one way is right, and that all the ways are right.
my flesh community is small, i feel isolated – craving to see into eyes and break bread and be
but my community is vast and wide, and i am not alone in this. i am not alone in my feelings, not alone in my fog, not alone at all.